Today I'm going to talk about something that is usually never spoken about in public, and this is probably because of its inherent tendency to corrupt and pervert humankind's ability to exist peacfully on this planet. I'm talking about the most evil symbol of human genius. No, not nuclear weapons, destructive pollution, or even The Village People. I'm talking about one-ply toilet paper.

This indecent product, which was undoubtedly designed by some kind of twisted sadist, has become so prolific that the only place your rear is safe is at home. Guard your home well against this intruder, as it has already managed to force its way into nearly every other public ediface. Even our places of worship, long regarded as relatively safe from the perils of evil, are no longer safe from this scourge.

I would advise you, "Big Paper", to stop this wanton disregard for the public safety - Or may God have mercy on your soul.

 

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