It has come to my attention that visitors to my area frequently feel out of place when visiting one of the many fine local resorts. This mainly due to the fact that the manner of dress here is decidedly unique. Well, maybe not so much unique as "Redneck-esque". So, I've decided to put together a rough guide to enable visitors to feel more accepted in local establishments.
The following guidelines apply to both men and women's attire:
1. An old pair of ratty, stained and faded sweatpants will make the visitor seem like they've lived here for the better part of their lives. In addition, the sweatpants should be at least 4 inches too short, in order to showcase a pair of old gray socks. To lend an authentic look, the socks could also be mismatched.
2. If you really want to go all-out, consider substituting
zubaz instead of sweatpants.
3. Keeping with the sweatpants theme, a tattered sweatshirt (hood optional) is in order. The sweatshirt should have maybe... a faded print of pomeranian puppies, or an eagle or other Native-American theme on it (the Native-American theme is appropriate only for non-Native-Americans). Also acceptable are ripped, torn, and severely stained T-shirts.
4. Any Packers (NFL Football Team) apparell will go far in making the visitor look like they were born and bred in this area. However, it must be no newer than 1997 apparel depicting the Super Bowl XXXI logo, because that was the last time the team was good.
5. Outerwear should consist of a denim jacket. Again, tattered and stained is the order of the day. Another option is a jacket displaying the team logos of a NASCAR driver who is clearly past his prime (or no longer racing). All above recommendations apply here as well.
6. It is important to take hairstyle into consideration. Being a visitor, I would not recommend that you get your hair cut just for a vacation. However, if you feel you must, you would be well advised to get yourself a
mullet. Keep in mind that you will have to live with this haircut for a while. A better option may be a wig.
7. Shoes are not a very important wardrobe item here. Although the more they clash with the rest of your ensable, the better. For example, for the above suggestions I made, I would recommend a nice set of brown leather shoes for men, or high heels for women. However, beat-up sneakers would do for either in a pinch.
8. Never, ever wear a belt.......with anything. People may consider you "stuck-up".
9. Clothing featuring Looney Toons and Disney characters are considered high-fashion, so if you want to make an impression, wear everything you've got.
10. As it is in the rest of the world, handbags are an essential part of female fashion. If you come to my area, make sure your purse is as outlandish as possible. "Rediculously large" and "Red patent pleather" are some phrases that come to mind. I am certainly not an expert in this area, but I can tell you from what I've seen. If you can't manage to find anything like that, anything that looks like you beat it to death and sewed straps on it will do.
For men, wallets are out. Get youself a moneyclip. Even if you only have two dollars to your name, at least you'll look cool when you whip out that moneyclip.
I think that's about all the advice I can give you. I'm no fashion guru, but hopefully the suggestions I've made will help you to blend in better when you come to visit my fine city.
